The Internet’s Out… Cancel the Holidays.

Girl LaptopSo, my wireless internet was out today for a few hours. It happened at the most inconvenient time possible and as I was under a tight work deadline, naturally. As I clicked (and clicked and clicked) the “Connect to a Network” button to no avail, my disappointment slowly morphed into blind rage which then somehow turned itself into an utter resignation that I would never complete another productive task again in my entire life. Really, what could be worse? I pondered, and the only more painful time to lose my internet connection I could come up with was smack dab in the middle of the holiday season, which now looms mere weeks away. The thought nearly made me break into a cold sweat, and I got to thinking – what kind of holiday catastrophes would ensue should my wireless go out?

Everyone gets lottery tickets in their stocking.

I'll toot my own horn: I'm a good gift giver. Like many, I put a lot of thought into who gets what and I can accurately say that I usually have around 85% of my holiday shopping done before I even throw my Jack O'Lantern away. This is no small feat and due only to the fact that I order nearly every gift I give online. Each year, I spend countless hours (5? 50?) pouring over online retailers’ offerings, which would be pretty much impossible to do without a reliable Internet connection. Don't even get me started on the massive discounts I get on shipping and the exclusive online sales that come on Black Friday. If I don’t have Internet, you don't have a present and I’m sorry. I'm not lazy, I just can't seem to find time to eat a meal with a knife and fork, much less troll the mall for hours on end searching for a sweater that my mother will just return anyway.

The turkey's burned and the potatoes are lumpy.

Thanksgiving is a sacred holiday for my family and eating can be considered our own little form of worship. Around the first week in November, I start looking up recipes, you guessed it: online. Without the fast Internet connection, how would I know how many pounds of cranberries are in the sauce or how long to thaw out a 14 lb. bird? And last year’s deep-fried turkey? Yeah, that's not happening again without being able to look up an oil supplier with 8 gallons to spare as well as the number of the local fire department. You know what I’m thankful for this year? My Internet connection. And that Jersey Shore is on a several month hiatus.

Aunt Edna's at the airport and I'm in…Akron?

An unlikely scenario, I realize, but what if I didn't have the ability to check her latest email on my smart phone or laptop? Say she’d messaged me that she was getting in at 8 and I had called and left her answering machine a sweet little diddy about surprising her at home this year? Well, then we’d have one angry librarian eating Chili's To-Go airport food this holiday and I'd be in Ohio, probably wandering around and soliciting donations from strangers and policemen.

Facebook stalking doesn't just do itself.

There, I said it. In the last few years, one of the most important parts of my holiday season has become drinking far too much muscadine wine with my Uncles then Facebook stalking well into the night under the spell of an imminent tryptophan coma. If I dated you, went to high school with you, or even saw your Christmas card taped to someone else's fridge you can bet I'm gonna be looking you up. I can’t imagine anything more sad or lonely than the thought of sitting down to a laptop and a (gallon) of eggnog ready to Facebook stalk only to find out that my Internet was down. Well, maybe that whole Facebook-stalk-as-a-holiday-activity scenario is technically sadder, but that’s neither here nor there.

All in all, the Internet has become an integral part of my holiday season, almost as if it were a family member. Unlike most of my family members, however, the Internet rarely asks me when I'm going to get married or why I wear clothes that make me look "plump." Really, a reliable Internet connection is one of the very few parts of my holiday season that I can look forward to. Except, of course, for spending lots of quality time with all my relatives (you know, just in case they're reading this.)


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